Gone By Dawn

Hey guys, ive been working on a war novel recently and i would like to get your opinion of it. In this post i will have the first chapter (unedited) to give you guys a taste for the story. -lease let me know what you guys think about it and kifu, plz proofread it if you have the time. Thx!

CHAPTER 1 (Gone by Dawn)


It was flawless.

One couldn’t apply the term to me of all people, but there it was, my permanent record flashed in my face. Of all the mischievous pranks and schemes I did in my life you’d imagine there would be at least something…

“You may go now,” said principal Newhall, “send in Santana on your way out the door”. Turning, he filed my record back in his cabinet.

“Yes, Sir” I replied. Hurrying out of his office, I turn to see Rick Santana sitting in the chair next to the entrance into the hallway. He was grinning form ear to ear, a sight I will never forget. Even with a tooth missing and a black-eye, contempt welled inside of me.

“Newhall wants you,” I said, “Don’t think because of today I’ll stop…” I trailed off, imagining all the horrible things I will do for his little stunt today in the Cafeteria. True the snake got in the school via my bag, but I wasn’t the one who terrified the daylights of my…well acquaintance, considering I don’t know her that well.

“K, and Himmel,” I froze at my name, no one referred to me as Himmel “The war has just begun”. Turning I saw the grin had vanished, it was replaced by dread.

“Glad to see you realized the implications of that little stunt,” I sneered, “and you’d do better to succumb to Newhall’s rage”. I didn’t think he believed me. Turning I walked out of the Main Office when the shouting began. I warned him I thought, Hope it lasts...

It was a beautiful, airy and pleasant fall afternoon when I ran out of the front doors of Xavier High, thinking of nothing but that freshman girl…I owed her to make it up to her somehow. Maybe bringing Santana’s head on a silver platter, I thought sweetly, it’s about all he is good for. Roaming the parking lot, I look for my car.

“Ah, there it is” I whispered to myself. Bright and shiny, my good old convertible was waiting for me. It was used when I bought it but now, it was a model on display. Rolling the hood down, I began to drive home, going slow over the painfully annoying speed bumps in the parking lot, turning right out of the lot and onto 43^rd St.

Cranking up the volume to a good pop song I herd this morning, I look around the intersection I just stopped at. Suddenly, I noticed a blur of a dark figure on the ground racing towards me, and then passed me. Looking up I spotted a blood-red jet fly over me.

What the hell? What is the Grazanian Air Force thinking? Looking about I spot others in the intersection, heads swiveling all different directions.

“Dad,” I whispered. He was the pilot in the house, called to active duty again after his 2 years leave form the Air Force. Looking in the sky I spotted a wing of blood-red planes in the sky. It took a moment to sink in, but when it did…

“EVERYONE, GET TO COVER,” I screamed, “IT’S AN AIR RAID!” looking up is spotted little black dots falling from the wings. I knew we had only seconds when they would hit, and hit hard.

Scrambling out of my car, I ran for the nearest building, when a cacophony erupted all around me. People were running, clawing, fighting, anything to get out of harms way. Some got fortunate, others were not as lucky as bombs went off all around them.

The world was rent apart. Chaos reigned, gore covered the streets, fires blazed on anything flammable, and everything was in a mess. Ellis Park, the biggest park in Cedar Creek was in ruins, as trees burned to ash, buildings collapsed and were swallowed by the fire. Looking around the intersection of 43^rd and Wenig was where it all began. If there was a bigger pandemonium anywhere else, I would believe it didn’t exist.

I made it into the building just as a bomb fell behind into the crowd behind me. I didn’t see, but I could hear. Running, I knew that I wouldn’t make it to the trash bin ahead of me, as what seemed my life erupted out of me.

“Easy there,” a warm hand patted my back as it all came out. “There, are you done Alex?”

Turning around, I found the one person I hoped I would see anywhere but there.

“Hannah, I…” I couldn’t say what I wanted to say in that moment, which was ‘I am truly sorry for what Rick Santana did to you today’ but instead what came out was more vomit. She was a good three feet away when she realized her peril.

“Good thing you didn’t vomit on me Alex,” she sighed, “At least here we are safe, along with the twenty others who are in the basement here, Come on lets go!” And with the grip of her arm, she pulled me into the main room. Looking up I spotted a hole in the ceiling and I could make out the shattered skies…

Breaking out of her grip, I turned and ran underneath the hole as I sew high-g jetwash in the air. So this is a real Dogfight. Looking out the hole I spotted many blur-green fighters arrive in formation, sizing up the blurs in the dogfight above the building.

I turned my attention back to the dogfight and with despair I saw that the blue-green jet was trailing smoke. He was hit, bad. The pilot, realizing the gravity of the situation, bailed out as his jet flew right into a school…Xavier High.

Just after he bailed out, the pilot deployed his main chute. The pilot relieved that he finally got a breather, relaxed. I won’t forget what happened next.

The Blood-red fighter came around again, this time his machine guns ablaze, firing not at the ground. He was firing at the pilot and his parachute.

“NO!” I screamed, “MURDER!” I watched with inflamed fury and a sickening gut as I watched the chute tear in half. The pilot dropped like a rock, pulling his emergency chute he tried to slow his fall, but it was too late as he smacked into the roof of the building. His death was quick.

Looking around I saw the pilot’s helmet lying on the floor of the building, It feel threw the roof. Gingerly I picked it up, tears rolled down my face when I recognized the helmet.

It was my father’s, I could tell by the intricate design of my hawk when I was little, the green stars of Grazanea on the other side, and the engraving on the front of the helmet, ‘Major Ryan Himmel’.

“DAD!”

Not bad. You've definitely improved since the last story that I read of yours, even if I don't quite remember what story that was. You do tend to write close to home, I notice, so make sure that doesn't effect your writing ability at all. Start writing characters on real life, and they might get a little Gary or Mary-Sue.

A definite hook, this is. It's a bit short for a chapter, but I shouldn't say anything, since I read James Patterson, and his chapters are three pages long at most. I would love to read more of this story, so write up! Just don't let me pressure you into doing a fast, sloppy job.

I might proofread this later, but it might take a while. And you'll have to excuse my pretty bad hand writing. Even using a drawing tablet, writing digitally isn't the easiest of things to do.

Last thing--did you know that Himmel means sky?

Thx, and actually I didn't know that! lucky guess i suppose. anyway i looked it over and i tried to extend this first chapter, ill post that soon too

heres the remainder of the first chapter, is extended with the first half of the chapter in the second section...



“DAD!” Tears ran fast down my face as I took it all in. Emotions rolled inside me when I threw the helmet onto the floor. Bitterness, regret, loss, savagery, vulnerability, confusion; they all had a hold over me when I was underneath that gaping hole.

“Alex…” It was Hannah. She was right behind me the entire time, half scared to death by what I’ve done. She was lost for words, trying to rack her head, to say something, anything that would comfort me. There was only one thing that could…pilot’s honor.

“H-Hannah,” I manage to choke out, “T-there is nothing we can do for him. He has his honor for what he did, sacrificing himself like that for us. Never forget him is the least you can do for me, even though you don’t know me at all…” I trailed off, not wanting to continue, or I just couldn’t go on…either way it was better that she didn’t know my thoughts.

“Alex,” I felt a slight tug on my arm, “We need to get to the basement, now!” When I stood up I saw tears down her face as well…I hoped it wasn’t for my sake.

“L-lets go,” Following her lead, we ran out the door to the hall way, scooping up the helmet on the way out the door. It took us 2 minutes of mind-boggling panic-stricken minutes to find the basement stairs and run down them. When we reached the basement, we were the only ones there.

“Come on, help me barricade these doors,” I said, holding the doors shut with my arm. Hannah managed to find a wooden chair from the wreckage in the room. Putting it underneath the doorknob and the floor we were able to make a handy barricade.

“Why are we doing this again?” I herd her whisper.

“If there are enemy soldiers that airdropped, we can protect ourselves,” turning I found a nice wooden boards with some screws and screwdriver in the corner. “Looks like these guys tried to put up shelves down here.”

After we drilled some boards on the door, we scanned the room for food, the sounds of battle still above our heads as bomb after bomb exploded. The room itself appeared to be a recreational area you see at a senior center or a community center. There were tables, chairs, and even two couches. There was a little kitchen window on the far wall from the doors. Looking threw it; we saw an empty kitchen, not even pots or pans. Just a sink, an oven, a dishwasher, and cabinets were all we could find.

“Can you climb over that window and see if there is anything edible down there,” I whispered, “We are in trouble if there isn’t anything down in there.” She climbed over, searching the cupboards with little success.

“All I see is a packet of Kool-Aid, nothing else down here,” she looked crestfallen as if a great wave crashed over her.

“Great….” I trailed off as a banging noise erupted from the doors

“HELP US, ANYONE THERE?!?” Pelting to the door I stood to see the doors coming undone at the sidings.

“OK, ok calm down people,” I shouted threw the door. Silence followed my words. “Who are you?”

“We are just people looking for a place to hide from this God-forsaken city,” a voice replied.

“I’m opening the door, it’ll take 5 minutes,” I whispered threw the door, “In the meantime how many are there?”

“There are 4 of us, two girls, two guys,” a voice answered, “How about you?”

“Its just me and a girl,” I replied. Running the screwdriver I manage to undo the boards, after which I flung the doors wide open to a welcome sight.

“Alex is that you?” asked Joey Shultz, a wiry, dark-haired, friendly natured guy.

“It’s good to see you again Joey,” I said enthusiastically, “As well as the rest of you, what are your names?” I noticed three other people behind Joey, a short brunette girl, a medium height curly-haired guy who looked to be in his 20’s, and a 6 foot tall red-head athletic girl by the look of her build. The red-head stepped forward first.

“I’m Rachel Stovie, I prefer Rachie,” I remember seeing her on the varsity basketball team at Kennedy, another local High School at Cedar Creek. Sadly their =team wasn’t as good as Xavier’s this year…

“Hi, I’m Kerry, Kerry Petri,” looking at the brunette I began to remember where I saw her before. She was in the back of my Biology class with Mr. Sampson, probably the worst teacher on the planet.

“And I’m Ben Rehman,” Looking towards the curly-haired guy I saw a bit of my Dad in him. It was in the eyes, they burned with the same grief when my Dad was called to duty.

Suddenly a large bomb exploded, it was strong enough to tear a hole into the ceiling of the underground recreational room. Hannah came scrambling towards us after it detonated.

“Let’s get out of here,” she said, and without another word the 6 of us bolted for the stairs, all hoping that this nightmare will be over soon as we scramble to find a place for the night.



It was flawless.

One couldn’t apply the term to me of all people, but there it was, my permanent record flashed in my face. Of all the mischievous pranks and schemes I did in my life you’d imagine there would be at least something…

“You may go now,” said principal Newhall, “send in Santana on your way out the door”. Turning, he filed my record back in his cabinet.

“Yes, Sir” I replied. Hurrying out of his office, I turn to see Rick Santana sitting in the chair next to the entrance into the hallway. He was grinning form ear to ear, a sight I will never forget. Even with a tooth missing and a black-eye, contempt welled inside of me.

“Newhall wants you,” I said, “Don’t think because of today I’ll stop…” I trailed off, imagining all the horrible things I will do for his little stunt today in the Cafeteria. True the snake got in the school via my bag, but I wasn’t the one who terrified the daylights of my…well acquaintance, considering I don’t know her that well.

“K, and Himmel,” I froze at my name, no one referred to me as Himmel “The war has just begun”. Turning I saw the grin had vanished, it was replaced by dread.

“Glad to see you realized the implications of that little stunt,” I sneered, “and you’d do better to succumb to Newhall’s rage”. I didn’t think he believed me. Turning I walked out of the Main Office when the shouting began. I warned him I thought, Hope it lasts...

It was a beautiful, airy and pleasant fall afternoon when I ran out of the front doors of Xavier High, thinking of nothing but that freshman girl…I owed her to make it up to her somehow. Maybe bringing Santana’s head on a silver platter, I thought sweetly, it’s about all he is good for. Roaming the parking lot, I look for my car.

“Ah, there it is” I whispered to myself. Bright and shiny, my good old convertible was waiting for me. It was used when I bought it but now, it was a model on display. Rolling the hood down, I began to drive home, going slow over the painfully annoying speed bumps in the parking lot, turning right out of the lot and onto 43^rd St.

Cranking up the volume to a good pop song I herd this morning, I look around the intersection I just stopped at. Suddenly, I noticed a blur of a dark figure on the ground racing towards me, and then passed me. Looking up I spotted a blood-red jet fly over me.

What the hell? What is the Grazanian Air Force thinking? Looking about I spot others in the intersection, heads swiveling all different directions.

“Dad,” I whispered. He was the pilot in the house, called to active duty again after his 2 years leave form the Air Force. Looking in the sky I spotted a wing of blood-red planes in the sky. It took a moment to sink in, but when it did…

“EVERYONE, GET TO COVER,” I screamed, “IT’S AN AIR RAID!” looking up is spotted little black dots falling from the wings. I knew we had only seconds when they would hit, and hit hard. I knew at least they weren’t Grazanean Planes; they would’ve been blue-green….

Scrambling out of my car, I ran for the nearest building, when a cacophony erupted all around me. People were running, clawing, fighting, anything to get out of harms way. Some got fortunate, others were not as lucky as bombs went off all around them.

The world was rent apart. Chaos reigned, gore covered the streets, fires blazed on anything flammable, and everything was in a mess. Ellis Park, the biggest park in Cedar Creek was in ruins, as trees burned to ash, buildings collapsed and were swallowed by the fire. Looking around the intersection of 43^rd and Wenig was where it all began. If there was a bigger pandemonium anywhere else, I would believe it didn’t exist.

I made it into the building just as a bomb fell behind into the crowd behind me. I didn’t see, but I could hear. Running, I knew that I wouldn’t make it to the trash bin ahead of me, as what seemed my life erupted out of me.

“Easy there,” a warm hand patted my back as it all came out. “There, are you done Alex?”

Turning around, I found the one person I hoped I would see anywhere but there.

“Hannah, I…” I couldn’t say what I wanted to say in that moment, which was ‘I am truly sorry for what Rick Santana did to you today’ but instead what came out was more vomit. She was a good three feet away when she realized her peril.

“Good thing you didn’t vomit on me Alex,” she sighed, “At least here we are safe, along with the twenty others who are in the basement here, Come on lets go!” And with the grip of her arm, she pulled me into the main room. Looking up I spotted a hole in the ceiling and I could make out the shattered skies…

Breaking out of her grip, I turned and ran underneath the hole as I sew high-g jet wash in the air. So this is a real Dogfight. Looking out the hole I spotted many blur-green fighters arrive in formation, sizing up the blurs in the dogfight above the building.

I turned my attention back to the dogfight and with despair I saw that the blue-green jet was trailing smoke. He was hit, bad. The pilot, realizing the gravity of the situation, bailed out as his jet flew right into a school…Xavier High. I hoped at that moment that no one was inside, even Santana…

Just after he bailed out, the pilot deployed his main chute. The pilot relieved that he finally got a breather, relaxed. I won’t forget what happened next.

The Blood-red fighter came around again, this time his machine guns ablaze, firing not at the ground. He was firing at the pilot and his parachute.

“NO!” I screamed, “MURDER!” I watched with inflamed fury and a sickening gut as I watched the chute tear in half. The pilot dropped like a rock, pulling his emergency chute he tried to slow his fall, but it was too late as he smacked into the roof of the building. His death was quick.

Looking around I saw the pilot’s helmet lying on the floor of the building, It feel threw the roof. Gingerly I picked it up, tears rolled down my face when I recognized the helmet.

It was my father’s, I could tell by the intricate design of my hawk when I was little, the green stars of Grazanea on the other side, and the engraving on the front of the helmet, ‘Major Ryan Himmel’.

“DAD!” Tears ran fast down my face as I took it all in. Emotions rolled inside me when I threw the helmet onto the floor. Bitterness, regret, loss, savagery, vulnerability, confusion; they all had a hold over me when I was underneath that gaping hole.

“Alex…” It was Hannah. She was right behind me the entire time, half scared to death by what I’ve done. She was lost for words, trying to rack her head, to say something, anything that would comfort me. There was only one thing that could…pilot’s honor.

“H-Hannah,” I manage to choke out, “T-there is nothing we can do for him. He has his honor for what he did, sacrificing himself like that for us. Never forget him is the least you can do for me, even though you don’t know me at all…” I trailed off, not wanting to continue, or I just couldn’t go on…either way it was better that she didn’t know my thoughts.

“Alex,” I felt a slight tug on my arm, “We need to get to the basement, now!” When I stood up I saw tears down her face as well…I hoped it wasn’t for my sake.

“L-lets go,” Following her lead, we ran out the door to the hall way, scooping up the helmet on the way out the door. It took us 2 minutes of mind-boggling panic-stricken minutes to find the basement stairs and run down them. When we reached the basement, we were the only ones there.

“Come on, help me barricade these doors,” I said, holding the doors shut with my arm. Hannah managed to find a wooden chair from the wreckage in the room. Putting it underneath the doorknob and the floor we were able to make a handy barricade.

“Why are we doing this again?” I herd her whisper.

“If there are enemy soldiers that airdropped, we can protect ourselves,” turning I found a nice wooden boards with some screws and screwdriver in the corner. “Looks like these guys tried to put up shelves down here.”

After we drilled some boards on the door, we scanned the room for food, the sounds of battle still above our heads as bomb after bomb exploded. The room itself appeared to be a recreational area you see at a senior center or a community center. There were tables, chairs, and even two couches. There was a little kitchen window on the far wall from the doors. Looking threw it; we saw an empty kitchen, not even pots or pans. Just a sink, an oven, a dishwasher, and cabinets were all we could find.

“Can you climb over that window and see if there is anything edible down there,” I whispered, “We are in trouble if there isn’t anything down in there.” She climbed over, searching the cupboards with little success.

“All I see is a packet of Kool-Aid, nothing else down here,” she looked crestfallen as if a great wave crashed over her.

“Great….” I trailed off as a banging noise erupted from the doors

“HELP US, ANYONE THERE?!?” Pelting to the door I stood to see the doors coming undone at the sidings.

“OK, ok calm down people,” I shouted threw the door. Silence followed my words. “Who are you?”

“We are just people looking for a place to hide from this God-forsaken city,” a voice replied.

“I’m opening the door, it’ll take 5 minutes,” I whispered threw the door, “In the meantime how many are there?”

“There are 4 of us, two girls, two guys,” a voice answered, “How about you?”

“Its just me and a girl,” I replied. Running the screwdriver I manage to undo the boards, after which I flung the doors wide open to a welcome sight.

“Alex is that you?” asked Joey Shultz, a wiry, dark-haired, friendly natured guy.

“It’s good to see you again Joey,” I said enthusiastically, “As well as the rest of you, what are your names?” I noticed three other people behind Joey, a short brunette girl, a medium height curly-haired guy who looked to be in his 20’s, and a 6 foot tall red-head athletic girl by the look of her build. The red-head stepped forward first.

“I’m Rachel Stovie, I prefer Rachie,” I remember seeing her on the varsity basketball team at Kennedy, another local High School at Cedar Creek. Sadly their team wasn’t as good as Xavier’s this year…

“Hi, I’m Kerry, Kerry Petri,” looking at the brunette I began to remember where I saw her before. She was in the back of my Biology class with Mr. Sampson, probably the worst teacher on the planet.

“And I’m Ben Rehman,” Looking towards the curly-haired guy I saw a bit of my Dad in him. It was in the eyes, they burned with the same grief when my Dad was called to duty.

Suddenly a large bomb exploded, it was strong enough to tear a hole into the ceiling of the underground recreational room. Hannah came scrambling towards us after it detonated.

“Let’s get out of here,” she said, and without another word the 6 of us bolted for the stairs, all hoping that this nightmare will be over soon as we scramble to find a place for the night.

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